You won’t be able to keep up.

Sorry, you aren’t good enough to make the team.

You will be more comfortable in the lower level class.

Conventional wisdom tells us overcoming failure and rejection builds resilience.

But what happens when the system’s subjective measure is just plain inaccurate? …like teaching kids that the difference between “brilliant” and “average” is a few points on an exam.

When we are obsessed with ranking and tracking kids based on a one-dimensional score card that is out of their sphere of influence, we may be creating more self-doubt than grit, and squelching creativity and big dreams before they have time to take hold.

Life is naturally full of opportunities to practice resilience without creating institutions that unwittingly build in rejection as a way of life, so perhaps it is time to start creating some alternatives not as isolated experiments, but for the mainstream population.

What if instead of being obsessed with hierarchy and rankings, our educational system was hell-bent on helping kids discover their passions?

What if we stopped telling kids what “level” they are and started showing them how to collaborate and appreciate individuals with a wide-range of strengths?

And what would happen if we really and truly began rewarding hard work and intellectual risk-taking instead of just giving it lip service?

We might just create a whole generation of creative innovators and world changers. And much happier, well-adjusted people too.

I am in the midst of planning a new venture and what I typically do during this phase is conduct open research while I brainstorm and design.  As part of this procrastination research, I came across a marketing video that asked a very pointed question: What’s missing in your life that having a successful business will deliver?

I’ve built other successful businesses and worked on many new projects before, but this time around the power of this query really did make me hit pause (figuratively and literally). What is it that I really want from a new business that I don’t have in my life now? (As it turned out, the answer the speaker was probing for was a financial one – i.e., how much money are you missing in your life that upping your game can provide?)

I liked my interpretation better so went with that. My simple answer was that I am grateful for my current life but that I feel a deep-down desire to up the level of meaning in my professional work exponentially. …by making a bigger and more positive difference in the lives of others…helping to ensure that everyone has an opportunity no matter their current life circumstances…creating…using my talents to contribute…having influence in the “big picture” stuff that I truly and deeply care about… There were other factors too –  continuing to be energized by my work… new travel experiences…and yes, increased financial freedom.

So, how about you? I’d love to hear your answers to this question in the comments below.

What’s missing in your life that you want to gain by starting a new business venture or growing your existing one?

Over the last week as I was preparing for a presentation on Radical Meaning, I had several people telling me what “real life” is. Here are a few versions of what I heard:

• “Life is competitive – that’s just the way real life is.”
• “I thought I was special when I was younger, and then I figured out what ‘real life’ is all about.”
•  “Well wait a minute…that’s just the way real life works.” A response when sharing a story with a friend and mentioned an unfair advantage due to “who you know.”

In this version of real life, life is at its core a competition. Scarcity abounds – we can’t all be first, best, win. In this real world, you work hard to just get you and your family ahead of the game.

When it comes to this perspective of real life, you are defined by a number on a scale, your SAT score, your salary, title, etc.

If you are young and in school, a few points on a test can move you from brilliance to simply average. Don’t fail. Fit in, don’t be weird. Be practical because crazy dreams are just for kids…

There is another option though, I call it a life of radical meaning.  (Radical because it means choosing a path that is non-conforming – the road less traveled. And meaning – rather than happiness – because I believe and research shows that human beings are most content and joyful when they strive for meaning rather than happiness.)  In this version of real life:

• You — your life matters. There is only one of you (1 in 7 billion plus to be exact).
• The world needs the contribution only you can give. The original Latin from which the word genius comes from means an internal spiritual guide unique to each person. So the idea of genius being limited to very narrow criteria based is a fairly modern construct.
• Miracles can happen and come from unexpected places everyday.
• Your work is a vocation, a calling. You are meant to express who you really are, do what you love like crazy, and impact the world in a way only you can.
• Everyone deserves an opportunity. And there is actually an abundance, so we can share.
• We are really all in this together.

I have been examining which path I am choosing – not in theory, that’s too easy – but in actions. What real life do my actions speak? I don’t think you can be on both paths simultaneously.  You can dabble in one and live the other, but you can’t walk both versions together.

And what about my two geniuses, what version of real life am I training my kids for?

How about you?

I forgot this morning. I simply failed to recall that I can’t start my day by reading details of how evil (I use that term very sparingly in life) human acts can be. In my usual feeds, there  was a news article with excessive details of the heinous crimes that were perpetrated over a period of decade (so painful even to write that – 10 years!) on three young women and a child in Ohio. It’s not that I try to ignore the news because it will ruin my mood. That attitude bugs me frankly. With women’s rights activist included on my list of “I am a”, I believe that we need to know so that we can be an instrument of change.

The problem is when I start my day like I did today – I become unable to – well do anything at all. And that is not useful to anyone.

Somehow, after a couple of hours of getting absolutely nothing done, I was able to move my despondent-self away from my laptop – since I wasn’t getting a frickin’ thing done anyway. And go to the grocery store – As pathetic as that sounds, it was progress. Parked my car and then crawled (metaphorically not literally, of course) through the sliding store door.

I almost missed them…But saw just enough out of the corner of my eye to walk back outside to find out what was up with the ladies in front of the grocery store surrounded by brown paper bags. They were collecting groceries for our local food pantry.

So I picked up dinner for my family and purchased some additional items from the list that I was given of needed goods at the food pantry. Being careful to put my version of a little equity in the bag by buying the same organic, higher quality mac & cheese (yes – still processed – can’t donate perishables) that my kids like.

On the way out, I gave two measly grocery bags to the ladies – real estate agents as it turned out – who decided to take a break from showing houses to do a little bit of good. Maybe they read the same article.

I left with a few groceries and a gift. I remembered that the only antidote to a downward spiral of any kind, but particularly about the very state of humankind, is to do the little (and ginormous too) good that you can do today.

I remembered (again) to take action swiftly – not to delay — before it’s too late to do something that matters. And most importantly, I remembered that I believe in my core – that good eventually will conquer evil every time.

So ladies at the grocery store, you simply rock. Thank you for letting me do that little insufficient act as it was the moment that renewed my focus and resolve — And reminded me that even my inadequate efforts are better than doing nothing at all.  And maybe if I’m lucky, when strung together with a vision can create extraordinary change.

So what’s the takeaway? When feeling down, before you go for a massage, have a glass of wine, say an affirmation, take a nap or call your BFF, do this instead:

Step away from the computer and buy a kid some food. (Or take another of the one million other actions that you can to reach out to a fellow human.)

Includes 11 Ways to Start Today (which you can skip to right now if you want.  I won’t be offended.)

Tuesday came albeit a little too fast, but still, I was giddy to start working with a new client that I love.  And absolutely couldn’t wait to spend lots of focused time on my wildest dream – one step at a time– a writing project focused on helping teen girls live brave and bold dreams.

I know it will be another perfect week.  By perfect I don’t mean without laundry and the challenges of balancing work and family.  Nor will it be devoid of mistakes, stressless, or the absence of uncomfortable feelings.   

What I mean is another week of living a life that deep down matters to me.

It wasn’t always that way for me.   For years, I dragged my miserable-butt through sleet, rain snow, and illness, to a pristine corner office in a high-growth technology company.  Although I did dabble in living a life that matters during that period and certainly there were aspects of my work that I liked and valuable experience that I gained, for the most part I was living a life full of making other plans.  And worse yet, when I wasn’t at work, I was so drained that I made little progress on all those plans I was conjuring up.

There were benefits to be sure: a bit of prestige, money, the approval of others. All good for a little temporary  exhilaration.

But that long-lasting feeling of living a deliberate life that deep-down matters – nope.

That all changed for me over 10 years ago, when one day I walked in and quit my lucrative position. (Important sidebar: Not recommending to do what I did and walk out of a job without a specific action plan….yet!)

In contrast, now, I am grateful beyond words to live a life where even when I feel discouraged or tired or frustrated or worried that I am not enough, I know in my soul, that I am spending my precious time on what I value…and am actively on my unique, never-to-be-on-this-planet-again path.

So, how about you?  Does your life deep-down matter?

I can answer that question for you.  YES, YES, YES and here’s why.

There are over 7 billion people on this earth and not one…that’s important enough to repeat not one single one is exactly like you.  So..yes…damn YES!  Your life really and truly and deeply matters!

If you live like it does, so overjoyed!  Give us a snapshot. But if you aren’t or just sort of are, then don’t worry, it’s easier than you think to begin (or expand)!

Here are some ways you can start today (in no particular order).  Pick one or many, but just begin today.   It won’t be perfect, but it will deep-down matter to you and that will make your days sparkle.

Daily decisions and major life choices can feel so complicated. But they don’t have to be.  Once you are clear about what deep-down matters to you, those values are always the first step in charting your direction. Take fame, prestige, pleasing other people, and what are people think off the table.  Those pursuits provide temporary adrenal rushes but have no long-lasting value.

Be sure to be specific and place this list somewhere you will see it everyday.

2.  Express who you really are daily.

Remember 7 billion people on the earth and not one is exactly like you.

Isn’t that insanely unbelievable?  There is no one else like you on this planet. Not even one person.  Yet, so many of us spend too much time trying to fit in or please others and lose sight of just how dang special we are.

It is time to be who you really because the world needs your contribution! Every day take one action that expresses YOU.  Share a personal story, wear a funky hat, or take a positive risk.  Check out 10 Ways to Be Who You Really Are for more.

Let other people know that they really matter too.  Once a day while you are going about your usual routine, make a conscious effort to be kind to someone else.  Let a stranger go before you in line for a coffee (or green smoothie), be empathetic to a grouchy waiter, or simply be liberal with your smile.

It’s so easy to get “caught up” in our daily activities.  If your life is weighed down by things that seem trivial, then it’s time to make a change.  Spend a few minutes making a list of how you spend your time.  Is there one activity that does not deep-down matter to you that you can stop doing today?

Making a difference in someone else’s life is the fast track to creating meaning in your own. 

So share a passion with someone else. Think of one activity you are passionate about (or just enjoy).

If you love to draw, spend an afternoon drawing with kids at-risk.  Like to talk? Strike up a conversation with a homeless person.  The opportunities to touch someone’s life are endless.  Try it just once.   It will change your life.

Connecting with others – soul to soul – creates meaning in our lives.  Next time you are at a party, steer the conversation past the empty chatter.  Open up a little. Bring up a world challenge that you care about, or <gasp> even discuss politics or religion.  Simply being a bit vulnerable can also change a relationship forever.

Pick one world issue that deeply concerns you.  Even if you can think of ten, pick one (out of a hat if necessary.)  Read one blog, article, or quote about your issue.  Is there one small action you can take today?

Buy a small journal or notebook just for self-expression. It will be one of the best purchases you will ever make. Spend even one minute a day writing or drawing a picture. No directions required.

Suspend any practical or rational consideration and brainstorm your most impossible dreams.  Write down what would make your life feel meaningful beyond even your wildest expectations.  Take one tiny, small action to make it happen today.

Does this serve what deep down matters to me?  This isn’t about self-deprivation. It’s about the deeper satisfaction that comes from living from your core values.  My favorite site on this topic is www.becomingminimalist.com .

Exercise, eating well, and rest will give you the energy and vitality you need to be who you really are! Check out www.kriscarr.com.

Does your work really matter to you?

Most of us spend a tremendous amount of our time working, so it’s important (understatement) that it does.  Start to think about work as a calling rather than just a way to pay the bills.  If you get a sinking feeling like I use to on Sunday nights when it was time to go back to the office, it may be time to put an action plan for change.

If you feel crushed by the weight of empty routines, take heart, and pick one of above to begin to shift today.

If your life is crazy, deep-down meaningful in every moment, share your secrets.  Or somewhere in between, I’d be honored to hear your story!

IMPORTANT:  This site is not intended to provide and does not constitute medical, legal, or other professional advice. The content is designed to support, not replace, medical or psychiatric treatment. If you believe you may have a condition, please seek qualified professional care immediately.

originally posted on:  www.tinybuddha.com

I have failed at a lot of New Year’s resolutions.

And not due to a lack of a commendable effort. For a while, I was into creating quadrant and Venn diagrams to accurately depict my lofty (physical, spiritual, emotional, and intellectual) goals.  Some years my circles were so chockfull of aspirations, that I could barely read them.

Shocking I know, but by the time January rolled around, I was typically pretty anxious about how I was going to make all these life-altering goals happen. The problem wasn’t just the quantity of action required or my lack of time though.

The core issue was that my truest ambitions were weighed down; What deep down mattered to me was made overly complicated by other goals that didn’t reflect who I really was.   These other ambitions were meant to bring external approval and prestige, financial success, an impressive position…fitting in or being liked or respected by others, etc…

And that’s just the beginning of what might steal us away from being who we really are.   Maybe you can be true to yourself, but only part of the time…certainly not at the office or at your child’s school.  It might be that you simply ignore who you really are in subtle ways, by not taking a stand on a topic that is important to you.  Maybe you fear that it is “too late”.  Or it might feel like it is “too early” and you will get to it after reaching a certain level of worldly-sanctioned success or financial security.  Perhaps it’s not practical.  Maybe the risk of being not good enough (or too good) is just too great…or the desire to fit in too strong.

And some have wondered to themselves one too many times, “What will they think?”  Until the question is automatically played out in action and who you really are begins to get truly lost.

At points in my life, I just dabbled in being who I really am.  Fortunately, I eventually jumped in wholeheartedly.  And I can tell you from first-hand experience, you can create an extraordinary life of meaning and purpose with this one simple resolution.

Commit to it right now.  It’s time.  This is your life and it’s your year. Don’t make your resolutions overly complicated and weighty with multiple agendas.  Be who you really are.

If you don’t, who will? There is not another single soul on this planet that can be you.  I mean that quite literally – not one single soul exists that can express you!

So what do you think?  If you want to make 2013 the year devoted to being who you really are and focusing on what deep-down matters to you, I’d be honored to have you Subscribe to receive our regular updates via email to get started. You can also follow me on twitter.

———-

If you want a list of simple ways to be who you really are, check out the article I wrote for Tiny Buddha 10 Ways to Be Who You Really Are.  It’s what inspired this blog.

You can reach me at paula@whatsyourbrave.com  or follow me on twitter.

And for parents What’s Your Brave? is a writing and media project dedicated to giving parents knowledge and resources to raise daughters who live their one beautiful life courageously.